How I Changed My Life in Three Steps

Written in January 2019. Apart from fixing a few dead links, I've left my 2019 self exactly as he was — the afterword at the end is where 2026 me gets to talk back.

The year 2018 was absolutely groundbreaking to me. I completely reorganized my life and I feel that I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. If something troubles you or you'd like to change your life for the better, here's a three-step recipe:

1) The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

There is an overwhelming plethora of self improvement books. I find most of them shitty. If there's one book you should read, it's this one. It'll help you set the right values and spend the finite number of f*cks you're given in this life efficiently. For me, the #1 value is now honesty — to other people and to myself as well.

This book is an absolute gem, full of deep life truths. I can sign every word in the book. I humbly bow to you, Mr. Mark Manson.

If you enjoyed the book as I did, don't miss Mark's blog.

2) YearCompass

As surprising as it may seem, lots of people don't take their time to look back into their past. Or at least, not as thoroughly as they should. Neither did I — mistake!

I think it doesn't matter that much which retrospective framework you choose. I used YearCompass and it served me well. Actually, well beyond my expectations.

YearCompass guides you through the past year by asking you a set of intriguing questions. They might not seem intriguing at first, but believe me, they are designed very cunningly. The important findings about yourself tend to repeat themselves and stand out. The moment you're done with the booklet, you'll know absolutely clearly, what's the one thing you have to do something about in the upcoming year. Just make sure you scan through the booklet one more time after you finish filling it out.

3) Talk to Your Friends

Once you've done your homework — you set the right values, looked into your past and dreamed big about your future, it's time to talk to your friends.

When they say that communication is the key, what they actually mean is that honesty in communication is the key. Disclose your vulnerabilities and you'll be surprised by all the supportive reactions you'll receive from your true friends.

But beware of one little side-effect: when you "come out" your fake friends will suddenly start to disappear from your life. Great — more time for your true best friends! :-)

Talking honestly to your friends will help you find the balls you need to execute your plan.

Good Hunting

Is there a skeleton hiding in your closet? Lock and load! It's time kick the shit out of the bastard!

Footnote: Thanks to all who helped me go through this tough period of my life — you guys know who you are. I ❤️ you.

---

Seven years later

This is the oldest personal essay I've kept, and rereading it is like finding a note from a stranger who happens to share my handwriting. A few things stand out from here.

The book aged into a cliché; the value didn't. Recommending The Subtle Art in 2019 was already not exactly a hipster move, and today it's the airport-bookshop shorthand for a whole genre. But strip the packaging and what I actually took from it was a single decision: honesty as the #1 value — toward others and toward myself. That one held. Seven years on, it's still the first tag on this blog, and it's quietly load-bearing in most of what I've written since.

The real recipe wasn't the three steps. Looking back, the magic wasn't in any particular book or booklet. It was that, for the first time, I did a deliberate retrospective of my own life — and then said the findings out loud to people who mattered. Pick any framework; the framework is a pretext. The work is the looking, and the saying.

The side-effect was the feature. The line about fake friends disappearing was meant as a cheeky warning. It turned out to be the most durable claim in the whole piece. The friendships that survived that season of honesty are, to a large extent, the ones I later wrote about in Building a Culture of Relationships That Persist — the ones that outlasted job changes, and once even steered one.

What I'd tell 2019 me. Nothing. He was louder and cruder than I am now, and the essay's swagger slightly embarrasses me — which is precisely why I left it untouched. He did the scary thing: he looked, he told the truth about what he saw, and he pressed publish. The least I can do from here is not edit his nerve out of the record.